Shameless Recap: Black Haired Ginger

The title of Episode 5 of Season 9 of “Shameless” turned out to be about Ian who dyed his hair black so he could head for the hills instead of prison. Once again, the funniest part of the hour went to Carl.

Please don’t hurt me ~ Carl Gallagher

Carl was invited to a mixer for West Point candidates and had to wear cocktail attire. After he found out what that was, he had to borrow Liam’s clip-on tie because he didn’t know how to tie a grown up one. The mixer was at the home of Major Keefe. Carl was approached by the Major’s wild daughter, Kelly, who offered to spice up his drink with some absinthe. Kelly takes Carl off to sample some of “Daddy Dearest’s” scotch as well as herself. But she passes out on top of him. When she wakes up, she realizes that Carl has videotaped their “session” on his phone and attacks him. She doesn’t listen to Carl’s explanation that he just wanted to be able to prove that nothing happened. Carl manages to escape the room and tries to run out of the house when she appears in the doorway ready to tackle him. OMG! That was so funny! Carl has no alternative but to run back in the house and Kelly’s father is sitting at a desk in the room he chooses to hide in. The Major physically threw him out of the house on his ear and Kelly threw his suit jacket after him. Carl wasn’t kidding when he told General Powell that Gallaghers attract the crazies.

That night, while Carl is burying a dog in the Gallagher yard, his cell phone lands in the grave. Kelly brought it back and he thought she was going to do a number on him but, by then, she had watched the video and said that Carl was an officer and a gentleman. Kelly also saw a video of Kassidi and Carl on the phone and asked him about her. He referred to Kassidi as his ex. Just wondering if that little marriage ceremony thing will ever pop up again. Still hoping Kassidi doesn’t.

I think I had sex with a trashy girl ~ Liam Gallagher

Liam also attracted a crazy girl named Sissy (aka Cracker Girl) who accosted him at his locker and dragged him into a broom closet. She showed up at the Gallaghers later with a pillow and announced that she was moving in because she was pregnant. This part was more ridiculous than funny but innocent Liam is cute.

Rich people pay a lot of money for expensive paddles ~ Frank Gallagher

Frank’s run-ins with crazy women generally don’t count since no sane woman would want anything to do with his crazy a$s. After passing out at the Alibi because his liver meds no longer were working, Frank was given generic meds at the hospital with scary side effects, ranging from partial blindness to erectile dysfunction. Frank was afflicted with the latter. He decided to rectify the problem by jump starting his private parts and landed in the hospital again with third degree burns. Frank couldn’t get any Vicodin because DO NOT GIVE ANY DRUGS was scrawled across his chart in big red letters. He was about to leave when a woman named Ingrid was wheeled in. She was having a psychotic breakdown. One of the doctors mistook Frank for her next of kin and agreed to bring some Vicodin back. In the meantime, Ingrid talked Frank into loosening her restraints. Then she physically and sexually assaulted him and ran off into the corridor! Bloody nose notwithstanding, Frank was happy to see that his problem was cured.

So, uh, how did you guys know that you were lesbians? ~ Debbie Gallagher

Debbie tried to make up with Alex. They met for breakfast at Patsy’s and Alex proceeded to talk about all her broken love affairs, starting from the first grade! Eight hours later, Debbie had enough and stormed off, sticking Alex with the bill. Debbie paid a visit to Fiona’s gay tenants, Nessa and Mel, now the proud parents of two babies fathered by Ford via sperm donation. Debbie wanted them to clear up her confusion as to whether she was gay or not. Mel kissed her on the mouth for whatever that was supposed to prove. Debbie probably would have reacted the same way if it was that last guy she was seeing. Whatever happened to Duran anyway?

And to not love That is the true crime ~ Ian Gallagher

Ian went to meet his lawyer and Fiona insisted on tagging along, promising to just listen. Geneva was there as well. Fiona wanted Ian to go with an insanity defense. The Gay Jesus movement wanted him to take a plea deal. The two women got in heated argument ending with Fiona telling Geneva if Ian spends one second in jail longer than he has to because of the Gay Jesus movement, she will torch a van with Geneva’s pixie a$s in it. Ian didn’t ask for or want Fiona’s interference. He went to see Terry Milkovich, of all people, to find out what it was like doing a long stretch in the big house. Terry told him that anyone can handle the bad food, the rapings and the beatings by the guards: “It’s the boredom that’ll kill you.” Terry thought the best thing Ian could do is go on the run. Ian went home, dyed his hair black and headed off to the train station, while Fiona searched in vain for him at the bus depot. Ian decided to face the music, after all At his trial, he gave an impassioned speech how he was trying to save a boy and things just got out of hand. “Truth is,” he said, “I am bipolar, I was off my medication, and I was in a manic state in which I was not in control of my faculties, so I plead not guilty by reason of insanity.” So ends that storyline. We’re sure the Gay Jesus movement can find another prophet but at least we won’t have to see it. We’ll find out next week what the judge wants to do with Ian.

I got five grand to keep a prep school quarterback sober during recruitment season. ~ Barney

Lip got the day off and he didn’t know what to do with himself. He went to the convenience store and eyed up the booze but settled for a half carton of cigarettes. All different brands: Camels, American Spirits, Marlboros, Winstons, Dunhills and Pall Malls. He ran around all over which presumably is how he copes with his urge to drink. At an AA meeting of two, he met Barney, a guy who makes a good buck as a sober companion. Later, he went off to participate in an illegal motorcycle racing event organized by Toby, a customer of Brad’s shop. When he got home, he and Ian had a heart to heart in the Gallagher kitchen. Lip admitted that Xan was probably gone for good.

The only responsibility you had today was to come to an architecture exhibit that I bought tickets to six months ago. ~ Ford

Fiona was supposed to meet Ford at an architecture exhibit that was important to him and he got a lot more than pissy when she didn’t show up because she went looking for Ian when he took off. They made up later. This seems to be the whole Fiona/Ford relationship. They are nothing alike, they disagree on just about everything. Fiona makes a lot of wisecracks and Ford apologizes in the end.

And there you have it. Oh? We left out Kev and Veronica. Well, that was truly boring. Kev was honored with the opportunity to speak at the Women’s Equality and Empowerment March. At first, he was all for it but, after hearing several female speakers recount their horrifying experiences, he bowed out. Or was it just because he didn’t want to follow the line eff all men in the a$s?