Shameless Recap: Are you there, Shim? (Season 9 Premiere)

The full title of the debut episode of Season 9 of “Shameless” was “Are you there, Shim? It’s me, Ian.” Shim is God, okay. According to Ian, we don’t know if God is a man or a woman. It seemed like there was about a 9-month jump in time because Carl escaped to military school in the “Sleepwalking,” the last episode of Season 8. Now he is 2 weeks away from the end of the school year.

Look at the bright side. We’re getting free medical care. ~ Frank Gallagher

Frank was being the back-door man to all the mothers at the Hopkins Academy PTA. Well, not all of them — but a goodly number. He also gave them not one but 3 STDs! Good heavens! They, in turn, gave them to their husbands who gave them to the people they were cheating with. Frank explained that he had done them all a favor and they were lucky that he was great at sex because he’s had “lots and lots of practice.” Now they had the opportunity to reexamine their relationships. One man, Ed, wanted to kill him. Darren saw the truth in Frank’s words and confessed that he’s been a lousy husband and father. Len admitted that he was having an affair with Richard. Len’s wife, Beverly, was cool with them being a thruple. When all were tested and treated, Ed was still not a happy camper. He thanked Frank for showing him what a “raging whore” his wife is and kicked Frank in the nuts!

The funniest part was when Frank was stealing silverware from Greta. The Spanish maid mentioned– in Spanish– that silverware seems to be missing. Frank replied in fluent Spanish that he hoped she doesn’t get blamed for it and called her a gossiper. Remember way back in Season 3 (El Gran Cañon) when Frank was stuck in Mexico? That’s probably when he learned Spanish. What he has not learned yet is that Liam has no intention of being an accomplice to Frank’s crimes. Frank gave Liam the silverware and told him they were going to fence it but Liam took it to school and spread it all out with a sign asking “Is this yours?”

Invest in another apartment building. Buy a cafe, yoga studio — anything but your brother. ~ Ford

Fiona has an appraiser come over so she can take out a $50K loan to bail Ian out of jail. Ford thinks she is taking too big a risk and so do the rest of the Gallaghers. For the savvy business woman she is supposed to be, Fiona seems awfully confused as to why no one is patting her on the back and supporting her in this endeavor. Ian doesn’t even want her to bail him out because he is in the middle of “protecting defenseless lambs from having their emotional and physical spirits slaughtered.” Furthermore, he cannot even promise her that he will show up for his trial because he doesn’t know where Shim will lead him. Does this stop Fiona from proceeding with her plan to bail him out? Of course not. You almost want her to lose her money for being so reckless.

Her other issue is that a woman named Patty is calling Ford on a second phone that he has. Rather than ask him who Patty is, she swipes his phone while he’s sleeping, lifts his eyelid up and scans his retina to unlock it. Ford wakes up and tells her Patty is his mother and they can call her right now if she doesn’t believe him even though it’s early in the morning in Ireland. He gives Fiona the phone and leaves. She takes it in the bathroom and accidentally drops it in the toilet. We don’t think the canister of rice did any good.

It’s getting kind of skeevy, man. ~ Brad

Brad was talking about Lip spending all his time with Xan, Eddie’s abandoned niece. Lip acted as best man at Brad’s wedding to Cami, where he met and hooked up with the bride’s sister and bridesmaid, Tami. Brad thought it would be a good idea for Lip to ask Tami out to dinner and he also thought that Lip should call child services because Xan is not his problem. Lip did ask Tami out for dinner but she declined, explaining to him that he wasn’t much fun. She also insulted his sexual prowess. Lip was very offended, especially since she threw up on his shoes at the wedding and he had been willing to overlook that. They traded insults as he stormed out the door. Seemed like a promising start to this new relationship although things don’t look good for little Xan. Lip did send Eddie a message on instagram asking if she was ever coming back.

Way of the world, Jugs. You don’t like it, find another job. ~ Jacob

Debbie was livid when she learned that the guys on her job are making $18 an hour and she’s only making $15. Her boss, Jacob, tells her it’s because she’s a woman and takes too many bathroom breaks. He timed her. Debbie sets out to remedy the situation by wearing Depends to work and she takes no bathroom breaks. She demands that Jacob give her equal pay and he says, “Okay, fine, you’ll see it in your next paycheck, Jugs.” Debbie finally notices that he’s been calling her Jugs. Surely, as a Gallagher, she’s heard the expression before, or if they are going to act like she never did, then she’ll have to ask someone what he meant by that before demanding that Jacob show her proper respect.

Cadet lieutenants have traditionally gone on to service academies. ~ General Howell

Carl has his eye on being cadet lieutenant next year but there are two obstacles: a cadet named Dave Huntington and his wife, Kassidi, who camped outside the military school fence and is making a spectacle of herself. In his year-end review with General Howell, Carl promises that he will whip Huntington into shape if he’s given the promotion. The general tells him that if he can do that and deal with his personal problem, namely Kassidi, there’s a good chance he could get into West Point if he gets a recommendation from a senator or congressman. When Huntington overhears Carl mention it to another cadet, he is inspired to help out and prove that he’s not a worthless turd. He later tells Carl that he has dealt with the problem and they’ll never find the body!

Kevin and Veronica didn’t have much of a storyline in this episode. They were dealing with their overactive twins now that Svetlana has gone. I’m gonna miss Svetlana and I hope she comes back. I hope Eddie comes back too, but “gargantuan” Tami looks like she’ll be an entertaining character if they keep her around.