Secret Life Recap: The Text Best Thing

Amy tries to start a big fight with Ricky at dinner. Girlfriend is really spoiling for it and just won’t quit. First she blurts out her hour long conversation with Ben at the pizza place and gets irritated when Ricky doesn’t care. Then she doesn’t believe the Tomato Lady, who gave Ricky a new prize tomatoes, is 79-years-old. By now, Ricky believes she just wants to get out of getting married so she randomly picks the Fourth of July next year to get married. Ricky decides to celebrate with some red, white and blue boxers, and Amy demands to know who gave him the underwear. Ricky says his mom and Nora, who is with George, gets a text informing her that she bought the boxers. She didn’t know that yet!

Meanwhile the wedding date news travels by text all over town. Lauren and Madison have a hilarious passive-aggressive talk. Lauren suggests Madison sleep with Ricky if she doesn’t want Ramy to get married. Madison says Lauren just needs to “get laid” then she would understand how sleeping with someone when you’re too young seriously damages your self-esteem. They decide it will be better to have Amy as a common enemy but it appears that Madison’s terminal dumbness may yet prove a big impediment to their friendship.

Ben is engaged in a game of pool with Dylan and her “gang” (Mercedes, Raven and Wendy) who are criticizing teenagers who can’t figure out the purpose of birth control. They put the pressure on Ben to prove he doesn’t care about Adrian anymore by responding to Henry’s text. Henry pays Alice a visit or who has on a leopard something (it wasn’t skimpy enough to call a teddy). She puts on a robe at Henry’s request to be “friendly in clothes” but Henry still feels the heat.

Nora tries to convince George not to sleep with Kathleen before her divorce is final, but George is too hot to trot. He wants Nora to babysit all night and if Anne calls, find out whether she is gay or not.

Leo interrupts Ben’s pool game to ask for a lesson in texting. Ben finds out Camille wants kids and pretends it means she wants to adopt him. Leo is not amused. Meantime Dylan and her gang conspire to get Ben to go to their high school. Camille comes over and plays a really bad joke on Leo that she is already pregnant. She says she really wants kids. They can even split the difference and adopt a 9-year old, but Leo won’t budge. Rather than lose Leo, Camille would rather drop this demand and spend the night.

Omar wants a fidelity commitment for a year from Adrian. The best she can do is a week! She says if it works out, she’ll make it a month. They will work their way up to a year and Omar agrees.

Henry and Alice drop in on Ben and Dylan who takes credit for their reunion. “Ben’s used to being bossed around,” Alice says. Leo can obviously overhear everything that is going on and yells for Ben to make everyone go home, adding “Welcome back, Henry.” They go down to the rec room where they eventually all fall asleep.

George has to go back home because Grace is not thrilled to find him with Kathleen. Grace tells her mom it could all turn out to be a huge mistake because George might go back to Anne. Kathleen confides that her info is “Anne is gay.”

Alice warns Ben that Dylan is his “Fatal Attraction.” Ben counters that she is more like his “Basic Instinct.”

Ethan and Margaret visit Ricky to drop of Margaret’s gift. She loves the idea of the 4th of July wedding but Ethan thinks it’s corny.

“Is Amy patriotic?” Margaret wants to know.

“More like idiotic,” Ethan says, “It’s an idiotic day to get married. The Ides of March would be a better date.” Margaret informs Ricky that Ethan is studying Shakespeare. Yeah, Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March.

The rest of the episode pretty much centered upon the “Anne is gay” rumor gone wild. Amy was very upset with George for telling Kathleen who was not too happy that Grace could not keep a confidence. LOL. As if.

A glimpse of next week’s show in the preview revealed that, in the next episode, Ashley is back from — should we say it??? — gay Paree.