Dallas: Lotsa Hijinks in Season 2 Premiere

TNT aired its 2-hour premiere of the second season of Dallas (2012) on 1/28/2012, and wow — just wow — they ain’t kidding with their tagline Double the Double Cross. There was so much stuff going on, your head was probably spinning, so let’s sort it all out, if that’s even possible.

The show began with Linda Gray (Sue Ellen), backed up by the rest of the cast, acknowledging that this will be the last season we will be seeing Larry Hagman, who passed away on November 23, 2012. Sad, sad, sad. It’s already been announced by TNT that J.R. will have a funeral on the show in March, so it does feel a little weird knowing that, but it was nice to see the cast pay their respects to the actor who provided so many years of entertainment, first as Capt. Anthony Nelson on “I Dream of Jeannie” and as the inimitable J.R. Ewing.

Until then, J.R. has teamed up with his evil spawn, John Ross, who goes around trying to look like the devil, while privately seething and plotting to screw everyone over. J.R. is not exactly doing it to pass the torch — he expects his cut when their plans come to fruition. Ironically, J.R. unwittingly saves Sue Ellen from going back to the booze in the premiere. It’s ironic because J.R. is the one who drove her to drink in the first place.

Sue Ellen is that close to becoming the governor of Texas but Ann Ewing’s first husband, Harris Ryland, drops a big bombshell on Ann. He knows where their daughter, Emma, is and he will share that information if she returns all copies of the tape she made where he admits to money laundering. Ann is a good friend to Sue Ellen, that’s why she went and made the tape to begin with, but Ryland has hit her where she lives with this one. When the Medical Examiner publicly announces that Sue Ellen bribed him in the Marta Del Sol case to get John Ross off the hook for a murder he didn’t commit, her political career goes down the toilet fast and she may even be indicted. J.R. to the rescue. He blackmails the D.A. and no charges are pressed.

The agony that Ann has endured from being separated from her child we can only imagine, just as we can only imagine how she managed to keep this secret from her current husband or why. But Ann enlightens Bobby (and us), explaining her baby was kidnapped while she turned her back at a state fair for a few seconds 20  years ago. When DNA ascertains Emma is indeed Ann’s missing baby, all grown up now, Bobby takes his emotionally fragile wife to reunite with her long lost baby but Emma coldly wishes Ann never came at all. Well, Ann can barely stand up upon hearing that and has to be sedated.  Harris Ryland feels like he’s holding all the cards now. Bobby wants answers but he’s not going to like them since Harris and his mother (played by Judith Light) are the ones who kidnapped Emma and turned her against Ann. Harris insinuates that Ann had a substance abuse problem, but Bobby doesn’t really know anything about that yet either.

So now we know that Rebecca Sutter Ewing is not Ann’s daughter, and Rebecca confirms that for us and Christopher, as she returns to town to attend annulment proceedings. At Barnes headquarters, she announces to  furious Christopher and speechless Bobby that she is Pamela Rebecca Barnes, the daughter of Cliff Barnes and Afton Cooper. She has no qualms about using all the power at her disposal to prevent Christopher from getting an annulment. In divorce court, she intends to get a share of his company. But smug Christopher has a secret weapon and he’s sure he’s going to win. He has Tommy’s sister, Becky, the original Rebecca Sutter. (We can’t go around calling Rebecca fake Rebecca anymore, because it turns out she had her name legally changed to Rebecca Sutter.)

The John Ross Book of Dirty Tricks is filling up rapidly. He boinked a bride-to-be to blackmail her father into letting him lease his trucks, telling the angry man that “love is for pussies.” At Ewing Energy, John Ross now owns 30% of the stock, but Bobby and Christopher own 60% collectively, while Elena owns 10% and they are going to outvote him all the time. That is, until Elena saves the day. She finds a way where they can expand their methane holdings and move oil. Her reward is an equal stake in the company, which includes 5% from John Ross, only too happy to make nice with the weakest link .

John Ross corrals Becky and brings her to Rebecca. Rebecca and John Ross form an unholy alliance. Becky will derail Christopher’s annulment hopes and Rebecca will take part of Christopher’s company in the divorce. John Ross wants that and Rebecca wants the methane patent. But Rebecca has made an enemy of Frank, Cliff’s right-hand man, taking over the board meetings. After she prevails at the annulment hearing, J.R. shows up to inform her that she “not the first Pam to fox her way into the henhouse,” and that he’s “one for one on flushing out Pamelas and I plan on being two for two.” He also gets in a dig at a furious Frank, asking him how it feels to be a poodle!

Becky was given extra money to get out of town but she didn’t do it because she wants to know what happened to her brother Tommy. When Tommy’s body was disposed of, Frank kept his cell phone and has it delivered to Christopher by a junkie, who says the instructions were to deliver it in 30 days. The note says “If anything happens to me, listen to the voicemail.” Christopher takes it to Becky and plays the messages for her. He now believes Tommy met with foul play and he also knows that Becky was in on the scheme all along because there’s a voicemail from her demanding her cut. Christopher plans on forcing Becky to retract her false testimony at the annulment hearing and, he says, she’s going to confess her own part in the scheme too.

So much money and so little harmony!