Shall We Gather by the River?

Boardwalk Empire: Paris Green, Season 1, Episode 11

The events leading up to most baptismal ceremonies are usually very different than the ones that led up to Agent Sebso’s baptism in “Paris Green,” (and few end the same way too).

Hard-nosed Agent Van Alden has been giving Sebso the business, continually grilling him and trying to make his life miserable and get Sebso to tell him what really happened.

Van Alden and Sebso start out at a Chinese restaurant and Van Alden even sees something suspicious in Sebso’s familiarity with using chopsticks. He tells, not asks, Sebso why he became a Fed, then he starts in again on the Billy Winslow incident and refuses to eat anything because “The thought of what ingredients constitute this filth repulses me.”

When Sebso gets the chance, he decides to call Nucky for help (they should all be wearing “who you gonna call — Nucky Thompson!” shirts). Nucky isn’t expecting this call, though. “Are you out of your bleeping mind?” he exclaims. Sebso relates how Van Alden won’t lay off about Billy. Nucky tells Sebso to go bust a still to distract his boss, and says there are some illegal stills in Mays Landing at mile marker 14 along “The Black Horse [Pike].”

Sebso takes Van Alden with him to investigate into this “anonymous tip.” Van Alden is such a drag to be around, rude, overbearing and pompous ass that he is, and those are the least of his faults. Instead of a bunch of moonshiners, they find a Baptist congregation by a lake getting ready to baptize sinners. Deacon Cuffy is running the show and tells the agents there’s no law against what they’re doing and begins to preach. Van Alden is fixated on the spot and Sebso reminds him about the still. “Your people don’t believe in Heaven do they?” Van Alden says. A startled Sebso echoes “my people?”

“Don’t be glib,” Van Alden sneers and brings up Sebso being Jewish. “If you don’t believe in heaven,” he intones, ” then how can you conceive of Hell?” As the deacon invites “any man with sin in his heart” to come forward, Van Alden just about starts crying. When Sebso asks if he is all right, Van Alden pulls it together and replies that he is, but “the question is, are you?”

Back at work, Sebso tells Van Alden that he is requesting a transfer to Detroit because he can see Van Alden doesn’t trust him and he’s not exactly thrilled about the constant third-degree and insinuations, even about his new wingtips he got on discount at Driscolls. Sebso insists he is trustworthy: “… what do I have to do to convince you?”

Get baptized, man! Van Alden takes him back to Mays Landing and Deacon Cuffy lets him baptize an initially unwilling Sebso.

“Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?” Van Alden asks.

“No,” Sebso says, and Van Alden thrusts him violently under the water, then pulls him up:

“Will you confess your sins and accept Jesus as your savior?”

Sebso tries to say he didn’t do anything but down he goes again — and again — and again!

“This is not a battle, sir” Deacon Cuffy tells Van Alden.

“You’re wrong, Deacon! It’s a battle against the Devil himself!” is the deranged prohibition agent’s response.

No one dares to intervene and Sebso finally goes limp and dies.

The seriously screwed up Van Alden triumphantly bellows: “Thou hast fulfilled the judgment of the wicked!” He whips out his gun in one hand and his badge in the other, and marches back to the car through the terrified crowd with both hands raised as if to dare them to defy his authority.

After lusting in his heart after Margaret and then getting it on with Lucy Danziger, he was racked with guilt because he doesn’t think the Lord will approve — but he clearly thinks the Lord will rejoice and pat him on the back for murdering someone who has messed up his case against Nucky!

Now that Agent Van Alden has crossed this line, putting Nucky in jail may not be as satisfying as exacting vengeance in the name of the Lord, and may the Lord help Margaret if she has to cross paths with this psycho again!

Final Note in case you didn’t watch the video: Boardwalk Empire creator and co-producer, Terence Winter reveals that the baptism scene had its roots in his memory from The Little Rascals episode “Little Sinner..”

Also in “Paris Green” — Nucky knew about the Lysol the whole time and The Old Pervert and Neptune’s Consort