Shameless Quotes: Frank the Plumber

Here are some of the guest stars and quotes from Frank the Plumber
(Season 3, Episode 9, 3/17/2013 – see the recap here)

(left: Bradley Whitford as Abraham Paige; right: Jim Hoffmaster as Kermit)

Fiona: What do you think?
Jimmy: Great for a coke orgy. Not for an office job.
Lip: Is your new job at a strip club?
Ian: She feels guilty for turning us into latchkey kids.

Chris: What are you reading about?
Frank: A bunch of uppity queers claiming that domestic partnership rights are not good enough for them.
Chris: They get offended when you call them queers, Frank.
Frank: I’m a pauper and somehow I got the king’s disease.
Chris: Gonorrhea?
Frank: Kings don’t screw whores. They screw virgins or their nieces. The king’s disease is gout. Big toe is throbbing like blue balls that no blow job can ever fix.
Chris: I could call my doctor… see if she could fit you in. She’s super-nice. Korean. Small fingers.
Frank: No thank you. Doctors are crooks, especially the Korean ones. Never trust a culture that makes sausages from dogs.
Chris: Frank, I’m pretty sure that’s racist.
Frank: Accurate is not racist. Write that down in your AA journal.
Frank: The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Write that down, Christopher.

Mandy: Why does Karen Jackson still have pictures of you on her Facebook page?
Lip: Mandy, I don’t go on to Facebook, okay, ’cause I don’t give a shit about whose pet just died or who just checked in at the bleeping McDonald’s.
Mandy: She’s a skanky manipulative bitch. You should unfriend her. Also you have an appointment this afternoon with the alumni rep from M.I.T. It’s 3:30 here.

Kev: Stop, would you stop right there! We get quiet for one minute and you guys think that we’re obsessing about the relationship and all we’re thinking is ‘I wonder if there’s any more cheese.’
V: Oh don’t mind him. He’s just mad cause somebody cut off the tip of his penis when he was too young to defend himself.
Fiona: If it is a boy, you gotta circumcise. Have you ever seen one that’s uncut? You don’t know what going on up in there. It does not make you want to go downtown and you want you kid to get his share of head, right?

Irate Coffee Shop Customer: Dude? When I spend as much for a cup of coffee as a gallon of gas, I get it how I want it. Remake it bone dry, dirt dry, bleeping desert dry. Do it now!

Mandy: Men are never right. That’s why women were invented to take care of you assholes. I mean, look at Mickey –marrying some whore he knocked up.
Ian: What?
Mandy: Men are weak and stupid — even the good ones. Especially the good ones and I’m not gonna watch Lip bleep up his life the way that Mickey’s bleeping up his.

(left: Maile Flanagan as Connie; right: Jake McDorman as Mike Pratt)

Connie: … if you get a bite, you transfer them straight away to Sales by pressing this button. They’ll close the deal.
Fiona: So… so I’m the fluffer and they’re the happy ending?
Fiona: Can you pop over the house and see if Debbie’s there. I don’t know if she’s really sick or she’s skipping, or what.
V: All right, I’ll go check on her but you have to go to www.dontcutifoff.org

Frank: You need to learn respect for your elders.
Lady in line with crying baby: You need to learn to not be a total dickball.

Fiona: … why aren’t you at school. Are you sick?
Debbie: Code Pink… I’ll explain later.
Debbie: Everybody’s mean. Middle school’s stupid. Mean girls suck.
Sheila: My daughter’s a mean girl. I don’t know how it happened.
Debbie: It’s not your fault.
Sheila: I’m her mother.
Debbie: If how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I’m pretty screwed, right?

Mike Pratt: So, I got some complaints about your language… two personal calls on company time.. there were some photos…
Fiona: Yeah, the porn at my desk. It wasn’t really porn. It was pictures of penises, but it was from a circumcision website…. am I fired?
Mike Pratt: … my silence here is not so much about disapproval as it is trying to find a way to participate in this conversation without leaving me vulnerable to a lawsuit… I would like to say that I’m a little shocked to learn that circumcision or lack thereof would affect a woman’s willingness to… (coughs) I can’t say that… I’ve said too much already. I’m so sorry, please don’t sue me.
Fiona: I’m so sorry, please don’t fire me.
Mike Pratt: Deal. But I’m putting my foot down. No more naked body parts at your desk for any reason…. Do me a favor, don’t go out there smiling. Help me maintain that reputation as a hard ass.
Fiona: You have a reputation as a hard ass?
Mike Pratt: No, but I really want one.

Scott Walker: The competition is pretty intense if you require a full scholarship, which I’m guessing that you do.
Lip: Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and call me white trash while you’re at it?
Lip: Great things don’t happen in tiny little increments. You know, they happen when someone thinks completely differently..
Scott Walker: C-3PO, huh?
Lip: That dude’s a badass. You know he’s fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.

Chris: You told the world we’re gay. It’s all over twitter. it’s all over Facebook. It was on the 12 o’lock news!… are you gay? Are you really?
Frank: I am whatever I need to be at the time I need to be it.
Kermit: What does one gay say to another one going on vacation? …. Can I help you pack your shit?

Beto: You are no good for Fiona.

Ian: You want to fag bash? Make you feel like a man?

Lip: You plagiarized Nelson Mandela.
Mandy: Who?

Lip: I can’t see you anymore. I’m with Mandy. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have started up with you again.
Karen: You’re not serious.
Lip: She’s good for me. And you’re not. That’s all.

Debbie: I’ve seen crazy and I’ve seen bad for kids. You aren’t either of those things. You’re super nice.

Carl: Is Frank really gay?
Fiona: No, it’s a scam. Carl. It’s always a scam.

Christopher: I’m sorry Frank. Mom says this is how it has to be.

Abraham Paige: We’ll clean you up, we’ll house you, we’ll coach you. Do you remember Joe the Plumber?
Frank: Heard of him? He’s a personal hero of mine.
Abraham Paige: Well, you are Gay Joe.
Frank: Frank the Plumber?
Abraham Paige: No, Frank the father, Frank the son, Frank the neighbor, Frank the face of the Gay Rights Movement.

More Frank the Plumber guest stars:

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