Dallas: Revelations Recap

Oh, how we hate the Season Finale (8/8/12) of Dallas, but only because that means there will be no more episodes until the second season, but — at least for the next hour — how do we love thee, Dallas? Let us count the revelations:

So! It IS Tommy who got plugged in the struggle over the gun with Rebecca, but that’s no revelation. It had to be Tommy or the jig would be up for Rebecca. Does she call the police? Hell, no. One “I’m  in trouble” phone call (to Frank?) brings the clean-up crew and Tommy is hauled off to be disposed of as if he never existed. Damn, that’s cold. We liked Tommy, too.

J.R. visits Bobby but the nurse says he can’t be in the room. J.R. says he’s staying until security hauls him off. He instructs Bobby to live so he can fight with him some more, and he reveals:

“I love you, Bobby. And I don’t know who I’d be without you.” ~ J.R. Ewing

Vicente calls John Ross who is very cold to him and needs reminding that he is the one who brought Vicente in on all this stuff to begin with. He wants to know when Christopher’s methane extraction rig will be fully operational.

A bruised and battered Rebecca appears at the hospital to tell Christopher how sorry she is to hear about Bobby. She admits to a fight with Tommy to explain her condition, but now he’s gone for good and promised to never come back.  Well, that’s half true anyhow. Shining knight Christopher not only wants to kick Tommy’s ass, he has his wedding ring back on.

I want to make this work so our babies can have the family they deserve. ~ Christopher Ewing

We doubt that the babies deserve Rebecca for a mom — what a ho — and we also think Cliff Barnes is their grandfather. When Rebecca goes to get coffee, Christopher asks John Ross to put Bum on Tommy’s trail.  He should’ve leaned on Rebecca because she knows where he was staying and goes to his motel room in search of her rings. She finds and rips up a bunch of photos of her and Tommy loving it up.  She makes a phone call instructing someone (Frank?) that her missing rings might be on his body.

Bobby comes to in the hospital after surgery and wakes up Anne and Christopher who are sacked out in his room. This was no revelation either because Patrick Duffy let that out of the bag on Extra earlier.

Tommy’s body is delivered to Rebecca in the back of a big truck in an airplane hangar so she can search it for her rings. She finds a ticket to Bishop Pawn & Jewelry at 1348 N. Pearl Street, Dallas, for her diamond encrusted wedding bank with 3 total carats and her 2 carat diamond engagement ring flanked by begets. Now all she needs is something like $10,300 to get the rings back. The bad news for her at the pawn shop is that the rings were just sold. The good news for the pawn shop owner is Rebecca’s loaded — she’ll pay double if he can get them back.

John Ross springs a surprise on Elena. He’s rented the old Ewing Oil offices for their new venture with Christopher but then he says it’s really Christopher’s surprise. He pulls her surprise out of his pocket. An engagement ring. He proposes, getting down on one knee: “I love you, Elena Ramos. My life and everything I want it to be is better with you. Marry me. Marry me and make me the luckiest man in the world.” Elena accepts. Christopher is pleased at John Ross’s choice of office location. He’s a little thrown by his choice of a mate. But he manages to pull himself together enough to congratulate them and mention that he and Rebecca are mending their fences as well.

Christopher brings the devious Rebecca some moo shu and fortune cookies. Pregnancy is her excuse for not being able to wear her wedding rings.

Bobby tells J.R. that he didn’t die because he has unfinished business to take care of. Lou has video proof that both J.R. and John Ross were in on the conspiracy. Wow, Bobby doesn’t miss a beat, does he? He picks up just where he left off, surgery and all. Well, we guess J.R. and Cliff would do the same, since they are all consumed with the same twisted mindset.

Sue Ellen tells Ann that she’s going to announce her withdrawal from the race for governor. She’s owning up to her sins and believes it’s time to pay the piper. J.R. and Bobby’s attorney Lou pull up while Christopher and John Ross are shooting hoops. Elena is showing her mom her engagement ring and her mother thinks she may have misjudged John Ross. Elena goes off to bring back her man to hear that one, but gets an earful herself. John Ross is confessing his part in the conspiracy provided he gets assurances that Elena will never know. Too late, buddy boy. He begs her, practically crying, not to dump him and to meet him at Ewing Energies the following day.

Ann visits her ex-husband to try to persuade him to be a good boy for a change. Ryland laughs at her notion that she has anything to do with the leverage he has on Sue Ellen, but she’s clearly a mighty tempting filly because he does offer to call off the dogs in exchange for some afternoon delight. Ann appears to be giving in, right down to the dry sobbing humiliation of it all, but it’s an act. She’s just opening her shirt to show Harris Ryland the tape recorder in her bra. Ann smacks Harris so hard, he gets a bloody lip and informs him of one more thing:

The next time you ask me for a hug, you’ll be hugging the business end of my shotgun. ~ Ann Ewing

Harris Ryland is such an inefficient scoundrel. And how about good old Frank? He’s in the midst of making a deal with Vicente to secure the rights to the Ewing technology and the lien on Southfork for Cliff. But the Feds show up and pinch Vicente, who has picked the short straw for sure. John Ross and J.R. got full immunity from prosecution for confessing to everything and Christopher is only to happy to inform him that he’s going to prison. This is like Christopher’s favorite line and we are positive that he will say it to Rebecca, or fake Rebecca, as we may soon be forced to call her. They’ve even got footage of Vicente threatening fake Marta and his goons pushing her out the window.  J.R. has something to add. He wants Vicente to know he should never have touched a hair on his boy’s head.

“Life is cheap in prison, Vicente, and I’m a very rich man.” ~ J.R. Ewing

Vicente points out that he’s not exactly a welfare case as he is hauled off to worse quarters than he is accustomed to. Bobby lets J.R. know that he has an extra copy of fake Marta’s videos just in case he decides to pull any more fast ones. Christopher is back to being a hard ass with John Ross who is sure Christopher is thrilled that Elena gave him the gate. Bobby hopes they can still all work things out for the sake of peace in the family. Just then Bum calls up about Tommy.

Bum meets up with Christopher at Tommy’s hotel room. He has a key card. In they go and the place is clean and empty as a whistle. Christopher throws a few things around. We were hoping at least one lone neglected piece of the pictures that Rebecca tore up would surface, but something even better happened. The phone rang and it was Tommy’s real sister. Uncle Fred had a heart attack and her real name is Rebecca.  Christopher rushes off to confront fake Rebecca. Yup, she’s going to prison and he’s going to take the babies…

so they never know what a lying piece of garbage you really are. ~ Christopher Ewing

LOL. Christopher just has bad luck in the cousin department, doesn’t he? Because as it turns out — and this is no revelation either –fake Rebecca Sutter is Cliff Barnes’ daughter. Cliff is the one who bought the rings from the pawn shop and tells his mixed up daughter that she is just like her Aunt Pamela — she can’t be trusted. But she promises her daddy that she can keep her eye on the ball so he gives her another chance to bring the Ewings down — get him a piece of Ewing Energies.

Elena packs up John Ross’s ring and heads out the door to presumably give it back to him unless he can beg a little better, but Christopher intercepts and trots out the love and memories and the engagement ring she previously returned. Elena takes him up on it and she falls into bed with him as quickly as she did with John Ross not too long ago. What a ho. As for John Ross, she sends her mama down to give him the ring back.

Sue Ellen continues her run for governor with a rousing speech that ends with her ridiculous slogan:  “I am Texas.” Watch out, Rick Perry, the end is near.

As Ann and Bobby look over Southfork, glad that everything is back to normal,  they just don’t know how normal yet.  J.R. joins John Ross at the future Ewing Energies and his son lays out his revenge strategy. He wants J.R. to teach him every dirty trick in the book so he can screw over Christopher and Elena. And just in case J.R. sees that as another opportunity to screw him over, John Ross says not only will he never see a dime from Southfork oil, he’ll be tossed back in that home for good. J.R. couldn’t be more proud:

“Now that’s my son, from tip to tail,”  ~ J.R. Ewing

So we still don’t know if Miss Barnes’ momma is Afton or Ann or someone else altogether. We mean, for heaven’s sake, how could a child of Cliff and Afton OR Cliff and Ann look Hispanic? Maybe Elena’s mother is her momma.

And yes, we know that Cliff Barne’s daughter is not Christopher’s blood cousin, unlike John Ross. But we don’t think that John Ross and Christopher even know about their Shepard connection.

One thing we do know — Bobby and Christopher are so self-righteously ugly, it makes you hate them. John Ross and J.R. are so much more fun.