Celebrity Apprentice: Crystal Light Challenge

Celebrity Apprentice (3/25/2012) was called “Party Like a Mock Star” because the teams were tasked with throwing a party to launch two new Crystal Light flavors in the Mocktails line: Pomtini and Peach Bellini. The criteria for a win was creativity, branding and the overall fun party atmosphere.

In the beginning, as Aubrey O’Day complains about the “ice cold vibe in the room,” Lisa Lampanelli stirs the pot, whispering (yes! whispering) to Teresa Guidice how she felt about Patricia calling the Jersey housewife slow in the boardroom.

I don’t think you’re slow in the friggin’ least, and I resented that ~ Lisa

Teresa turns into a female Fredo (I’m smart. Not like everybody says… like dumb… I’m smart and I want respect! ): “Patricia said I was slow. Maybe she’s slow. Because anybody that knows me knows I’m — that — I’m the opposite of slow.” Lisa confesses that the fact that they still have “those two” (Dayana Mendoza and Patricia Velasquez) on the team fries her ass, and clearly states her intention to get rid of them.

Aubrey heads up Team Forte and Clay Aiken heads up Team Unanimous. He feels at a distinct disadvantage because:

Aubrey is a clubber. Aubrey popped right out of her mama’s chatch and started grabbing on to the stripper pole ~ Clay Aiken

The women get to choose a flavor first so they go with Pomtini. The ever creative Aubrey comes right up with a Garden of Eden theme. In some cultures, it’s the pomegranate that’s the forbidden fruit. Crystal Light lets a gal indulge, guilt-free. When the Crystal Light execs, Melanie and Doug, drop by, they stress sassy, vibrant and exotic. Aubrey frets over sassy, vibrant and fun. Exotic not so much. Teresa has decorations, Patricia has signage and the logo and Debbie Gibson has to write and produce an original song so Aubrey won’t “have to hear any of her hits anymore.”

Patricia complains about the pitbull micromanaging of Aubrey and Lisa. “[They] create probably the most damaging environment I’ve ever seen in human behavior in my entire life.” In the meantime, two of the so-called “weaker” team members, Dayana and Teresa, are beginning to notice that the wonderful Lisa and invaluable Aubrey (we lost count of how many times Aubrey said she was an invaluable team member!) have won very few challenges with their stellar ideas. But the look on Don Jr.’s face when he drops by and Aubrey tries to explains their slogan “Stir your healthy desire” should have told Aubrey something! LOL. When Teresa expresses her doubts about the slogan, Aubrey attacks:

If you can think of something better, I want you to ~ Aubrey O’Day

Meantime, the men are organizing a big beach blowout with a bar, a limbo stick and paper umbrellas that they get Paul Teutel and Lou Ferrigno to deal with, in addition to building the bar. Dee Snider undertook the signage. Their tagline is “Life’s a peach,” a play on life’s a beach and the Crystal Light Peach Bellini. Penn Jillette is sidelined since he doesn’t want to be called “condescending” again, and project manager Clay was the one who said it! He and Arsenio go after the props. The cherry on top will be a song starring Clay.

The women run into last minute problems. Don’t they always? Teresa’s carpet delivery is late and her Pomtini popsicles are worse than that. But Dayana supplies a bunch of friends (for all the good it does her). Lisa handles the comedy, Debbie does her catchy jingle and the executives are delighted.

It looked really elegant ~ Lisa Lampanelli

The men’s party gets off to a slow start until Arsenio and Penn corral people off the street. When it gets under way, it’s really rocking. Hoda Kotb and Kathy Lee Gifford show up. Clay pitches the product to the executives and then they break out into an “Under the Boardwalk” sing-a-long. It did cross our minds that they didn’t work Crystal Light into the song, but even the executives — well, Doug, anyway — were singing along.

In the boardroom, suddenly the cats stop meowing and they’re all buddy buddy until Trump busts up the love-in with the usual demand. Name two heads to roll. Teresa nominates Dayana, Dayana nominates Aubrey and both Lisa and Aubrey toss that ball back at Dayana. Dutiful Aubrey wants Patricia’s head on the chopping block as well. You know Lampanelli is behind all this, right?

The men all say Clay is the bomb, and so is each team member. Everyone worked super together. Of course it is more true about the men’s team. But when pressed, Clay says he will bring back Dee, Lou and/or Paul. Trump can’t believe it since he only asked for two names.

Now you have three people that hate you. Not great.

Actually only Dee looked a tad put out about it. Lou was used to it by now. Paul doesn’t seem to give a crap.

Well, the men won again and Aubrey fell apart. Clay won $50,000 for the National Inclusion Project, which sends kids to summer camp.

Aubrey was so upset that Donald Trump decided to give $10,000 to Aubrey’s charity, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network. But then the claws came back out. Trump defended Dayana. What about those people she brought in? Aubrey goes after Patricia, too, claiming she didn’t show her all the artwork for approval like she was supposed to.

When Dayana points out that Lisa and Aubrey may be the loudest voices but they have lost 4 out of 6 challenges, Aubrey’s comeback is that the two times they did win were her concepts: “If we had Dayana running the concepts of the last four or five tasks, we wouldn’t have any concepts.” Don Jr. poo poos Dayana’s defense that she has to think in two languages, so yeah, by the time she’s done translating, Aubrey has managed to take over.

The bottom line: The executives hated the signage because Pomtini was bigger than Crystal Light. Aubrey totally threw Patricia under the bus swearing she was not shown all the stuff. For Donald Trump that is what it came down to:

The fact is that the executives loved the party, but they didn’t like the details. Unfortunately — and I think she’s the most elegant woman — the details were done by Patricia. Patricia, you’re fired.

Then as all three left the boardroom arm in arm, Trump expressed his amazement to his progeny that the ladies could fight tooth and nail, then they “hold hands and hold their waists and they walk out like they love each other. It’s unbelievable.” The ever-agreeable Ivanka agreed that it was “pretty unusual.”

As for Patricia, while she never came right out and called Aubrey a liar, she did say that backstabbing and lying are examples of “exactly what I don’t want to do with my life.”