Celebrity Apprentice: Sneaky Cunning Girls, Richard Hatch Axed, Meat Loaf Meltdown

We weren’t feeling “Celebrity Apprentice: The Art of the Deal” too much where the teams have to design artwork and gussie up New Era baseball caps, then rely upon their wealthy cronies and the public to raise money. The fake stuff is just too much — too much faking. It’s even worse than the spectacle of grown adults bickering and acting like a bunch of brats. They start out with a recap of Dionne Warwick getting fired, still trying to make it seem like she really looked Donald Trump in the eye and challenged him to fire her, which she never did.

Then NeNe Leakes turns on the leaky waterworks, crying: “It hurt when Dionne called me a coward.” Sniffle, sniffle. Why should that bother NeNe who didn’t care about Dionne being a legend? Why should she care what Dionne calls her? In the boardroom, Trump investigated. Star Jones felt it was inappropriate because “there are a lot of things you might want to say about NeNe, but a ‘coward’ is definitely not one of them.” Trump agreed and so do we. “Liar” would have been a much better choice. Meantime, La Toya cried on the men’s shoulders about having to deal with “sneaky, cunning girls” who can’t be trusted and are just waiting to throw her under the bus. She’s just not to used to that.

Marlee Matlin headed up the women’s team (ASAP). It was between her and La Toya but Marlee claimed besides her friends in the entertainment field, she’s very cozy with philanthropists. La Toya didn’t do too shabby — she happened to have a very special tee shirt to donate to dispel any notions of her inadequacy. Marlee impressed upon the women that they need to win, and commanded them to stop the fighting and backstabbing. As if.

John Rich was head of the men’s team (Backbone). Talk about having a chip on your shoulder (as Dionne was accused of), the country singer got just a wee bit defensive when Donald Trump thought it was an unusual project for him to be in charge of. He pointed out that country music artists are known for being some of the most generous people in the world. Later, John told his team he was guaranteeing half a million dollars and jetting in his Nashville friends: “The hillbillies are gonna touch down and get back, Jack, because you ain’t never seen anything like what’s getting ready to happen!” Then, upping the ante, he warned them he would hold it against anyone who failed to mine their resources, making Richard Hatch and Jose Canseco feel at a disadvantage.

A medical emergency got Jose off the hook. His father was very ill with cancer. Donald Trump gave $25,000 to Jose’s charity, Baseball Assistance Team. Jose was grateful for the donation and his experience on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Jaded reality star, Richard Hatch, wondered if Jose would stoop so low as to fake that. No. Jose’s father passed away not longer after he left.

The teams went shopping at Michael’s. Gary Busey spied Meat Loaf with some canvases in his shopping cart and asked if the “Bat out of Hell” singer was getting those for everyone. Meat Loaf heard that as “Are you buying my stuff,” and took offense at Gary’s “sense of entitlement.” Meat Loaf steamed: My switch is this close and it’s ugly when I get angry.” Back at the workshop, Meat Loaf can’t find his supplies: “Where’s my paint? My paint’s not here. I had a whole bag of markers.” John Rich points him in Gary’s direction and Meat Loaf blows a gasket, claiming Gary took his stuff.

He called Gary Busey the mf word several times, following up with: “you do not want to f–k with me. You look in my eyes. I am the last person in the f–king world you EVER want to f–k with, you understand me?” Gary was just amazed at this insane outburst, like is he really having that big of a cow over some paint and markers? Meat Loaf then threatened to put Gary in the hospital “in about 4 minutes.”

While Mark McGrath restrained Meat Loaf, John Rich found the missing paint stuff. It was in a corner. Meatloaf clearly had some pent up rage here because instead of apologizing, he continued to verbally abuse Gary Busey. LOL. Get a grip, Meat. What a psycho. He did apologize to John Rich and a while later, to Gary.

Sales-wise, the biggest thing the men sold was the Celebrity Apprentice guitar that all the Backbone members signed. It fetched $470,000, making John Rich think the men knocked another one out of the park. He was wrong.

Team ASAP got three separate donations for $99,000, a total of $297,000. One was actually a sale for that special tee shirt, La Toya had – the last tee shirt her famous King of Pop brother, Michael Jackson approved for his “This is It” tour, and even autographed by Michael on the back. La Toya claimed she’s been carrying the shirt around with her everywhere she goes, ever since her brother passed. What a stroke of luck, eh? The look on NeNe Leakes’ face said something more like what a crock of sh*t!

Actor and visual artist Federico Castelluccio was the judge for picking the best cap. Remember him from “The Sopranos”? He was the one with the ponytail that Carmela thought she was in love with. She thought he was sweet and gentle as opposed to her brutish mob boss husband, Tony. Furio was Tony’s enforcer and even more brutal than Tony. In real life, Federico is a sensitive artist who wouldn’t pistol whip anyone, break arms, bust kneecaps or smack kids around. Mark McGrath felt a tad embarrassed to have such a true artiste inspect their hats. Federico picked La Toya’s design for the best hat, which was also dedicated to the brother she once tried to sell out to the tabloids for half a million dollars.

In the boardroom, Donald Trump led the teams around in circles with misleading remarks about who won. Even when they revealed who won, it was weird. George Ross said the men raised more money than any task in “Apprentice” history: a spectacular $626,908.

But the women beat Team Backbone with a total of $986,00 for an all-time “Apprentice” record. So we guess that first record wasn’t really a record after all, was it? Donald Trump chipped in another $14,000 for Team ASAP to make an even million for Marlee’s charity, The Starkey Hearing Foundation. The men got to keep their money for John Rich’s charity, St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, too.

What followed was even more incredible. Donald allowed the women to stay while “he” decided what to do. He didn’t want to fire anyone on the men’s team because Jose had to leave, and he asked the women if that was okay with them. Why should a team who has lost three weeks in a row be given that kind of power? No way was the response from Marlee Matlin.

Marlee wanted Richard Hatch fired and the men wanted Gary Busey out. Meat Loaf’s anger management problem was discussed but not for the purpose of kicking him to the curb. Marlee defended Gary. Hatch raised the least amount of money, a point Donald Trump tried to get him a pass on since he had been in jail 4 years. Hatch said he was going to be exonerated.

It was weird watching that, knowing Richard Hatch was not exonerated but is already back in jail. Wonder if they let him watch himself get eliminated.

Turn on Celebrity Apprentice next week to see Freakin’ Pirates. Team Backbone will be gunning for Gary, La Toya calls NeNe a bully and NeNe calls La Toya “Casper the Ghost.”