Dallas: False Confessions Recap

What happened to the original Dallas after several seasons is happening a lot more quickly on the new Dallas — high camp. That’s what we got when Judith Brown Ryland discovered Harris, her baby boy (all 6′ 2″ of him), shot in the opening scene of False Confessions (2/11/2012). She lets out a big dramatic howl and screams for Emma to call 911, while telling Harris not to leave her. “Mama’s here!” She proceeds to give him mouth-to-mouth.

Before you know it, the police are at the Ewings to question Ann. Bobby already found her washing blood off her hands with her gun right on the sink counter. She admits to the shooting and quick-thinking Bobby realizes that Emma will hate Ann even more now, so he decides to take the blame and worry about getting off the hook later. (Yeah, like the kid won’t blame her no matter who did it). Ann is shocked to learn that Ryland isn’t dead (but we’re not). Christopher is getting mixed messages from his papa, who always stressed the value of integrity, but Bobby explains why he has to do this. Seriously?

John Ross wakes up at Pamela Barnes’ penthouse, and stumbles out in his skivvies while she and Frank discuss the Tommy Sutter problem.

I’ll have two OJs and some strawberry pancakes. Oh, sorry, Frank. You looked like the butler.

Frank is so annoyed at these two spoiled rich brats that he goes out and digs up Tommy’s body, practically passing out from the stench. He calls J.R. up and tells him where to find it, also delivering the news that John Ross is shacking up with the Barnes girl. J.R. is pissed to hear that. He summons his boy, who thinks it’s about Bobby’s arrest and he thinks if Bobby goes to jail, that will make the Ewing Energies grab a piece of cake, but J.R. sets him straight:

You’ve still got a lot to learn, boy. When the family’s in trouble, we don’t take advantage.

J.R. tells John Ross he knows that he’s been cavorting with Pamela, and can’t see what John Ross wants with “Christopher’s scraps.” John Ross tells him it’s none of his business who he shacks up with but admits he doesn’t have any real feelings for Pamela. J.R. warns him not to be so naive:

You’re inviting a vampire into our home, and she’ll suck the life out of you.

J.R. tells John Ross that he has enlisted Frank’s help in getting Miss Barnes out of the picture permanently. So John Ross calls Sue Ellen for help. He wants her to facilitate a meeting with Cliff Barnes but she can’t ask why. Sue Ellen smells treachery and asks why anyhow.

If you make a move against your father with Cliff, you better be prepared to face the full weight of his fury.

John Ross claims he’s protecting something worthwhile and, indulgent parent that she is — loyal to a fault — Sue Ellen jots down Cliff’s private number on the nearest sticky pad, without even having to look it up. She must be a frequent Cliff dialer.

John Ross just gets less likeable by the minute. He reminds us of Boardwalk Empire’s Jimmy Darmody. He thinks he’s a big wheeler-dealer but he ain’t shit on his own.

At the Henderson oilfield office, Elena’s brother Drew questions the foreman John Ross paid off to delay finding oil. When the foreman, Brian, refuses to cop to a mistake  or follow Drew’s instructions to correct it, Drew gives him his walking papers. Christopher catches John Ross on his way out to meet Cliff and tells him what went down, already suspicious that John Ross had a hand in it. They take a few digs at each other, with Christopher making sure to get one in about his marrying Elena, but it doesn’t ruffle his cousin’s feathers this time. John Ross invites Christopher on the elevator to assuage his paranoia. Christopher declines and on the way down, John Ross calls his P.I. Clyde with instructions on getting some dirt on Drew, enough to get  him fired.

Bobby in the meantime has been arraigned and released on a million dollars bail and he’s back at Southfork sharing a drink with J.R. who correctly surmises that the real shooter is Bobby’s “trigger-happy wife.” Bobby asks if J.R. is going to try to talk him out of taking the fall, but  J.R. responds:

Me, talk Bobby Ewing out of doing what he believes is right? I’d have a better chance of winning the Good Samaritan Award.

J.R. assures Bobby he won’t be spending his old age in a jail cell even if he has to pull a few strings with the judge.

Elena angrily confronts Drew about firing Brian, but concedes that Drew is right when shown the blueprints. When Drew leaves he is trailed by Clyde to a meeting with a nervous looking guy with a truck that needs to be driven to Laredo for a fat fee. Drew gets in the rig with a big smile and Clyde calls John Ross with the lowdown, that whatever Drew is up to, it doesn’t look legal. Doesn’t make no sense no how. Why would Drew just hop in a truck for a 6 hour drive each way without saying a word to anyone?

John Ross gets his meeting with Cliff Barnes, who is puzzled by this kid’s eagerness to betray his own father. John Ross points out that J.R. wasn’t exactly Father of the Year and informs him of his own adopted son’s betrayal. Cliff blows John Ross off but now that he has that info about Frank, he knows what to do.  After that, John Ross finds the cavorting with Pamela is over. He can’t get in to see her no way no how.

After running across John Ross talking to the foreman at Ewing Energies, Christopher catches up to Brian in a bar and warns the foreman that if he finds out he was in cahoots with John Ross, Christopher will make sure Brian never works in Dallas again. The news that Tommy Sutter’s body has turned up comes on and he takes off. As he tells Elena that news, attorney Lou has some news of his own. He’s got a conflict of interest and can’t represent Bobby, who stands to do 20 years.

Judith Brown Ryland is tending to her son at the hospital. This is one sick woman, whose love for her son is clearly incestuous. No wonder Harris is such a dick. Judith is overjoyed at the prospect of Bobby Ewing going to the slammer.

I’m going to take him away from her the way she took you away from me so many years ago.

After Christopher tries to convince his daddy that honesty is the best policy, Ann confesses to Lou that it was really her who shot Harris Ryland. Everybody seems to think this is a great turn of events until news arrives that Harris Ryland has regained consciousness and fingered Bobby as the shooter to the cops.  Wow, how nuts is that?

While Pamela Barnes was just a person of interest when Tommy’s body was found, all of a sudden a gun is found, too. Pamela is panicking. While she packs her bags the police arrive and it looks like she is going to run right into them at the door, but it’s Cliff she opens the door to. The cops were at Frank’s door and he’s going down for Tommy’s murder.

At the prison, Frank whines to Cliff about being set up. Cliff reminds Frank that he took care of him like his own son and he defected first. Cliff is unmoved by Frank’s pitiful declaration of love and gives him a hug goodbye.

You brought this on yourself and you should do the honorable thing, and you should do it for me.

At Frank’s arraignment, he asks permission to make a statement in which he confesses to murdering both Tommy and Rebecca Sutter. Christopher goes ballistic in the courtroom because he is so sure Pamela killed Tommy because he wants his annulment and babies so bad.We don’t see why it wouldn’t seem plausible to him, because, unlike us, he only suspected Pamela shot Tommy. Frank takes the cyanide pill that Cliff obviously slipped him in the prison and it’s lights out for Frank.

Hmmph! That’s all we can say. We would much rather have seen Harris Ryland die than Frank, and it doesn’t help to know that one of the next dead bodies, if not the very next, to turn up will be J.R. Ewing’s.

Viewership for TNT’s Dallas has already been on the wane, and that’s so, even with viewers knowing that these are Larry Hagman’s last episodes. The episode with J.R.’s funeral will probably draw the biggest audience this entire season. After that, the big question is: do you really care what happens between John Ross and Christopher?