Celebrity Apprentice: Double A Drama

Now we’re on to the Walgreen task from April Fool’s Day’s 3-hour Celebrity Apprentice and the Arsenio – Aubrey drama.

Arsenio starts out by confessing: “Aubrey plays this game well. She’s the ultimate troublemaker. Thank God I don’t have to be on the team with her. I don’t want no parts of Aubrey.” Of course, this ends up being like a bad premonition.

Dee thinks that Aubrey is a vixen who uses her womanliness to her advantage when she can.

I see her tail and horns. There’s an old saying. Age and ruthlessness will always beat youth and enthusiasm. So, you know, bring it kid. ~ Dee Snider

As they speculate on who will be fired in the NYC guidebook task that the women lost, Dayana and Teresa waltz in the room. Dayana strikes a triumphant pose. The ever vulgar Lisa says:

“… I am stuck with these two numb nuts b-tches once again who couldn’t have an idea if it hit them in the face.” ~ Lisa Lampanelli

The next day, Trump switches up the team to break apart evil twins Lisa and Aubrey, and he also evens up the team size disparity. Teresa Giudice and Aubrey O’Day are sent to team up with Arsenio Hall, Clay Aiken and Paul Teutel. Arsenio can’t believe his bad luck because he knows Aubrey will be dropping banana peels everywhere you walk! Lou Ferrigno, Dee Snider and Penn Jillette now go with Lisa Lampanelli and Dayana Mendoza. As for Lou, being on the women’s team is no big deal.

“Well, I’ve been married for 31 years. I can tolerate women.” ~ Lou Ferrigno

Joe and Mark from Walgreen’s inform the celebrities that their task is to create a live interactive health segment that promotes the benefit of walking and the ease of the Walk with Walgreen’s program to a live audience. They have to create a box for the membership kit. The criteria is brand messaging, the kit design and overall presentation. Actress and reality show host, Allison Sweeney will be helping out with the judging. The prize is $50,000.

Lou elects to head up his team. We’re too confused to figure out what their teams are now (but we think this is Forte). He is asked to do a pushup. Aubrey immediately volunteers to compete with Lou. How does it feel to lose to a man about to turn 60, Aubrey dear? Arsenio will head up the other team (we think it is Unanimous).

Despite her affectations to the contrary, Lisa admits the women’s style has been a big failure so she suggests they go with the men’s idea. Lou impresses the Walgreens guys with his deep appreciation for walking after knee surgery. His fellow teammates, as usual, are not supportive but Lou plans to have his way and puts his foot down. He’s being on stage. That’s how it’s going to be and Penn has to shut up. He also has to leave for a show he can’t cancel, so he’ll be back an hour before showtime and Lou does some foreshadowing, worrying Penn will mess up due to jet lag.

Penn comes up with a plan for what can you do when walking. Lisa expands the idea with ‘ing’ words showing up on the box. Dee brightly decides it will be funny to put in words like itching, scratching, insulting … someone said they even had choking on there. Dayana frets that these are all negative words, but Dee believes they’ll get the humor, completely missing the Walgreens health message.

Aubrey totally takes over Arsenio’s project. She comes up with the idea of putting their faces on the box with inspirational quotes — all except Arsenio’s. She does a lot more than diss Arsenio with a snarky comment about walking away from his careeer. He does not like the photo of him she wants to put on the box but she vetoes his strong disapproval. She wants to write his quote. Arsenio does his best to keep his cool to keep the task going smoothly, but the rage is building. They plan out their game show idea with Arsenio hosting and they even have bright red, blue and yellow shirts.

Arsenio’s whining about how he looks. You look how you look. If you don’t like that photo then you must not like yourself. That’s what you look like every day … I know it might be a harsh reality but those wrinkles really did happen to your face. ~ Aubrey O’Day

Lisa does her best to continue to poison the well against Dayana. Dee thinks she is being very unfair, but Lisa has it in for Dayana — we’re not even going to quote her likening Dayana’s ideas to admiring your child’s bowel movements during potty training. This woman is seriously deranged and it just comes off as jealousy of Dayana’s looks because there is no real basis for Lisa’s continual accusations and insults, like telling Dee Dayana is stupid. What a troll.

Ultimately, the Walgreens’ executives loved Lou’s intro message about his knees but you could have heard a pin drop when Penn Jillette said Walmart instead of Walgreens! We loved it though. We do that all the time – mix up Walmart and Walgreens when talking – but it’s way more than that if you’ve ever been in Walgreens. They stick that Wal part on just about everything they can, even competitors’ products they clone. Zyrtec becomes Wal-Zyr. It was like poetic justice.

When Penn misnamed Walgreens, it was the equivalent of calling a woman by another name when you’re in bed with her. ~ Dee Snider

Yes, in the context of the show, it was probably the worst gaffe of all! Dayana saved Penn’s butt by making the judges laugh when she pranced by with a joke about her crown — and she got no credit for that at all, except from Dee. But the box did them in completely. It was an utter failure.

The box on Arsenio’s team, on the other hand, was warmly embraced, but the executives thought the quiz show stunk. We thought it was clever with the information they worked in, but it just wasn’t what the executives were after.

In the boardroom, Arsenio boiled over and totally let Aubrey have it. Miss I Know Everything and I’m So Strong dissolved in tears. You feel like you’re watching Evita. “You must love me. You must love me.” Uh, wake up, Aubrey. We hate you! The only good news is not quite as much as we hate Lisa.

Aubrey I think if you analyze what Clay was saying, in a word or a couple of words, he said you’re not a team player. ~ Donald Trump

Aubrey attempted to get Teresa on her side, asking her to confirm that everything Teresa knows she learned from Aubrey. In reply to Trump’s question, she averred that she no longer likes or admires Arsenio. Paul and Clay second Arsenio’s statement that he would fire Aubrey. But it was a moot point since Arsenio’s team won. Aubrey claims she doesn’t want to be around the negativity anymore and scurries into the elevator, ostensibly quitting.

Lou definitely picks Dayana and says his second person is between Penn and Dee. We wonder who Dee would have picked if he was project manager besides Lou. Out in the lobby, Amanda confirms to Lou that she’s seen a lot go down in the lobby and we wonder what Amanda is writing. Dayana has to go through the third degree AGAIN about why she’s back! Trump says they lost because of the box Dee designed. He didn’t like it either. Trump thought Penn should have been in Dayana’s spot, but it came down to the box design.

Dee, you’re fired.

On his ride home, Dee gripes that Lou wouldn’t have been able to throw him under the bus if everyone hadn’t been propping him up and he hopes the remaining contestants will not do it anymore. Well, he doesn’t have to worry — Lisa is on Lou’s team now and next week, she gets on his case.

Will Aubrey return? Yes, the shameless hussy will be back to provoke another day.